Watch My Feet

I always say to myself that there is one thing (or multiple things, I don’t know your life) that you’re insecure about and want to change and then another thing that you absolutely wouldn’t change for the world. For the purposes of this brief essay, I’ll talk about the thing that I don’t want to change and that is my feet.

I know Wikifeet is about to get a boner but this is my truth. One time, while out at a bar — a dude came up to me and said that I have the nicest feet. I was coming off a shrooms trip and was crashing over my last tequila soda of the night and a plate of fries. I’ve had lovers admire them in bed and asked to place them in the strangest places (use your imagination–get freaky). But my favorite part about them is that without these appendages, I wouldn’t be me.

I’m a resident “look down when you walk” person. Mostly because I’m clumsy and require a level of expert care in even every day walking. I’ll trip on my own cockiness and end up on the floor or drenched in my morning Americano. In so many ways, my feet ground me. My astrological chart is basically scorched earth–Sagittarius sun and a whole Capricorn Stellium, baby. Translation for my non-astrology peeps: this just means I’m constantly seeking places, things, relationships to keep myself attached to this earth. If the earth is really crumbling, as these scientists say, I’m going to lose it (well, we all are but more on this later). I have a major codependent issue with needing to feel knocked off a pedestal and possess a staunch affinity for the tangible, palpable, and accessible.

I decided to change my career to become a writer after ten years of doing something else. For a scorched earth sign by virtue, that’s actually insane. Like clinically. Most of my therapy sessions are spent talking about how much my life feels like a sailboat and how I desperately am looking for the shore. My biggest fear is drowning–not only in the water sense but also in the fear getting so overwhelmed, I drop everything and am considered inept. I’ll have this thought then, as only my nature provides, that I’ve already fucked up so bad that people have seen me as useless. So screw it. (Thank you Sagittarius sun, for filling in where my feet and my Stellium fail.)

As this year ends and we’re all parceling and reeling over the fact that this year, like all of them, zipped past us–I’m reflecting on what’s most important to me and what I hope to glean to move forward. I’m single so I’d love a partner who could do what I’ve always done for myself. Keep me level-headed. Focused. And while I will forever ponder my ability to write, I think it’s important to note that maybe this, writing–in addendum to being down to earth–is what I’ve also needed. While I still fixate on my feet, trekking along terrain, trying not to fall–I realize that I can still see my feet when I swim. The water is clear (and warm) after all.